Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare.

OVERLOAD. Sums up how i am feeling at this exact moment. With grades, work, coursework, university days and drama practical being rammed even further down my throat i am beginning to go into over drive. I'll save you from the full blown hour long rant i just had to my dear mummar about how i am feeling, and how i feel i won't cope for much longer, let alone get my grades and get into the university of my choice. AAAAH. People don't seem to understand the pressure, i didn't think sixth form would be this intense, i mean i know everyone always says, "the jump from GCSE to A-levels is so high.. blah blah" i didn't actually think it would be like THIS.


So much to think about and do, in such little time. (Haha, says me whilst writing my blog when i could be doing some work! But i haven't blogged for along time, i didn't want to neglect it any longer.) I could just scream, i need a holiday... Now. 


Well, apart from drowning in work and thought about the future, i am a happy bunny. Everything seems to be sailing along nicely, at the moment *TOUCH WOOD* eeeek.


Today, was a scary day. Went to Reading University to go and see and speak to people about what uni we wanted to go to and what courses we wanted to do. Was so intense. I came home with about 2454290 persecutors, some clearly VERY ambitious e.g. Edinburgh and some more moderately ambitious, was scary though, the thought that a) i won't be with the people i see everyday anymore. b) that i shan't be living at home anymore c) that i shall be an adult. d) I'm going to have to COOK for myself. e) that this choice of course and university will ultimately change my life. Oh how dramatic that sounds but it's true! Ah. 


On a lighter note, i ran into many of my wonderful friends who i didn't expect to see. Which is always a nice surprise, lots of screaming and smiley faces! Hehe. 


All of this is making me feel way too old for my liking. Yes i know we all want to be 18 and party and grow up ASAP, but today made me see that it's a scary world and I'm definitely not ready for it yet... Got a few more years, but still. It's coming. 


Anyway, i must be off to finish off the rest of my humongous pile of work, most of which is in for Friday. COME ON FRIDAY hurry, hurry. 


Oh, I'll try to blog more this week, but no promises, due to work etc.


Hope you have a good one. 


B x 


PS. Summer is definitely on it's way, yippeee sunshine - oh and look how cute this is, my kiwi has a love heart shaped middle! <3

The sun doesn't always shine, I'm stuck in a solar eclipse.

I shall start by apologizing as i haven't blogged for a whole week, just been so busy with various things, mainly school work and my drama practical exam. Which is just before Easter so we're all trying to cram in practices, learn lines, find props/costumes etc. Can't wait for it all to be over! Only a few more weeks... Aaah, so scary. 


The past week or so has been a good one if i recall correctly, i think everything seems to be slowly but surely falling into place, at last. It's so true all you need is to be patience and everything will smooth itself out - i realized talking about things doesn't necessarily make you forget about the past situations or upsets, but it sometimes helps to show that you've acknowledged those past occurrences and have moved on, or at least tried to. It allows you to see mistakes and regrets, but also to learn from them, I've also been thinking that even though you may regard someone highly in your life and have high expectations of them - a lot of them time, to our upset they don't regard us in such a higher fashion. Although as i earlier stated i feel it's been a good week and everything seems to be smoothing itself out, i can't help but forget the disappointment i have felt also. 
It's sad to think that this feeling hasn't come from someone i don't particularly like, or care about, it hasn't come from someone i don't spend much time with or talk to. It has come from people that i feel especially close to and choose to spend time with and talk to about all the things under the sun. I know, i know, i sound like a parent who's teenager has been out all night drinking and then decided to come home and vomited all over the cream carpet, when they said they were popping to a friend's house, or something of a similar event, saying that "I'm very disappointed in your behaviour and i expected more from you..."  But it just shows, that you can't be so quick to assume or judge or claim to know someone, as i promise that sooner or later they'll do something to make you feel disappointed or hurt. I'm not saying I'm a saint I'm not by any stretch of the imagination, i just hope that i wouldn't do the same things to make someone disappointed in me. Right, rant over. 


Anywho, summer is most definitely on its way and I'm so ready for it (apart from the hurdles i have to overcome before i get there e.g. A LEVELS! Aaaah) I'm already preparing my summer holiday and making a list of what i want to do before it's over. I think getting my VFEST ticket definitely sped up the transition of winter to summer mind set. Eeeeek. 


WEEK HURRY UP - I've got a very exciting weekend planned ahead, which i am looking forward to very much. 


I'll try and blog a lot more this week as i have missed you all. Hehe. Anyway, English literature essay calls my name... BLAH to work. 


Hope you have a good one. 


B x

I wish that I could have this moment for life...

WOW. This weekend, most definitely, hands down reached my expectations and MORE... I cannot describe how good it was. Friday was lovely to see everyone at my friend's house party, i love house parties so relaxed and it's weird how in a different environment to school/college etc. people are so different, good different of course! Then SATURDAY was ah, i was so worried it was going to be a let down but it was like i said, the complete opposite, the music was amazing and the bunch of people i went with were the icing on the cake. 


I came home smelling of beer, no thanks to Jack and another guy i was stood near decided to throw his beer, i never understand the concept of throwing drinks at concerts? Why? You either waste your beer or piss someone off! Hmmm. So i was not a happy girl, but then got over it and carried on singing at the top of my voice - I'm now paying for this, my throat is killing me. I love the mentality of standing watching a band with thousands of people, whether that's at a festival or at a concert like last night, everyone is so much more relaxed and less fired up and moody, for example last night me and my dear friend got separated from the rest of our group - as we couldn't cope in the mosh pit anymore, so we stood at the side made a few friends we had a dance with then we went to the bar and made even more friends who we spent the rest of the night with. It's awesome how people do that, you just meet someone and then BAM there you are spending the evening together dancing, singing, laughing, enjoying yourself. We finally got home after the panic of nearly missing our train, makeup down/off our faces, smelling of alcohol, sweat, cigarette smoke and damp as it started raining... Overall it was an amazing night, filled with so much laughter, even people listening to our conversation about blaming each other for nearly missing the train were laughing haha, it definitely lived upto my expectations! Hehe. 


Now back to reality, doing work and getting ready to go back to school as i have a drama practical rehearsal (not in the mood especially as my voice is disappearing rapidly) ah this lack of sleep feeling that i seem to be feeling much to often really needs to go, or i won't be able to cope through the week!!


I miss last summer so much, the water fights in GG's garden and eating ice cream with my favourite blondes, ah, why does everything have to change? Why can't we go back in time - someone better create a time machine ASAP... *sigh*


Hope you all had an awesome weekend too, whatever you were doing! Only 3 weeks or something like that 'till Easter! Woohoo. 


Hope you have a good one. 


B x


PS. How cute is this PostSecret, i'm gonna write in my secret soon... Well, maybe. 

Sick of all the insincere, so I’m gonna give all my secrets away...

Yes, result day finally came and has now nearly gone (thank God!) - and yes, the results went as planned, not overly well haha, but my AMAZING business teacher was so sweet about everything and said all the typical terms of endearment and for us not to worry about it etc. So i shan't, well not for a while anyway... 


This week has actually gone rather fast, faster then i thought as I've been looking forward to tomorrow evening and Saturday SO much. Eeeek, cannot wait. Although i do this a lot, really really look forward to something and then BAM it's an anticlimax, but i have faith that this shan't be happening... Of all weekends not this one. It's gonna be tough to beat last weekend also - but we shall see
hehe. 


I've spent the majority of the night burning various CDs for my good friend, such a compliment when people enjoy the same music as you and then want you to share your music with them. Music has helped me beyond belief now thinking about it, music to make you cry through hard times, music to make you laugh, music hold so many memories and certain songs manage to trigger them off - i love it! Remembering who you were with, where you were, when you were there, why you were there... Without music in the last 5 months i think i would of collapsed in a humongous heap, even though artists don't always experience the experiences they talk about in their songs, sometimes
it's nice to listen to a song that seems to describe the pain that you're going through - genuine or not. 



I've also come to the conclusion feeling not good enough is possibly the worst thing in the world, i've been feeling that so much recently that i can't even comprehend how i feel in words to myself, let alone other people. I hate how nothing goes how we want, i know that sometimes it's fun living on edge and not sticking to the plan etc. etc. but i wish for once everything would work out. *big sigh*... So, Lily Allen has managed to put how i feel (well as much as one can) into a song.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my big sister :) - i love birthdays, especially for people you love loads! Hehe. 

 Hope you had a good one. 

B x 

Our love was lost. But now we've found it.

I think it's safe to say i am so tired i could pass out right now - alas, i wanted to do my blog so I'm fighting the lack of sleep, but i know that it will soon get the better of me!! 


Today was most definitely, just another manic Monday - everything seemed none stop, work is quickly piling up and i don't seem to have any of it under control, and when i then try to sit down and actually do some work either, i manage to distract myself, something more appealing comes up or the people I'm surrounded by whilst i try to work manage to distract me beyond belief. Gosh, it's a losing battle if I'm honest - although i managed to finish my philosophy tonight YEY! Work didn't happen to be the only thing i felt was manic though! Ah, why do things all seem to happen in waves? Waves of good, waves of bad, waves of indifferent.


All i've wanted the whole day was a big cuddle, sometimes all you need is that. No words need to be said, no explanation as to why you want a cuddle, nothing else, it is the most amazing feeling when you're hugging someone you feel so comfortable and safe with, nothing can beat it! That's what I've been craving all day... Hmmm, maybe it's a certain cuddle I want? Oh I don't know... 


I'm hoping this week is better then I'm anticipating - in my mind it's gonna be awful and go so slowly, I wish it would hurry up and be the weekend already. ALTHOUGH saying that, the weather put me in such a good mood, was so sunny and made me once again think about the summer, I'm looking forward to it beyond belief, I'm not sure if it's healthy? Haha.  


Another crisis is clothing, i feel that i have no clothes and am beginning to panic. Especially when everyone else seems to look banging and i feel like BLAH - new clothes seems to make you feel so much better - actually, new everything seems to make you feel better, until it's at the weird stage where it's not new and not old. Hmmm. 


Right, I'm shattered typing is now becoming more of an effort then expected and my eyes seem to be blinking longer then they should - don't think eating so much bread and butter pudding helped either, i love the feeling of a fully tummy when you go to bed... Hehe. Right off to listen to some Kate Nash and Burberry Acoustic. 


Hope you have a good one. 


B x

If your love was all I had - then that would be enough 'till the end of time.

An indescribable weekend, in a good way of course! I haven't had a funnier Saturday night in such a long time - my good friend just passed her driving test which of course gives you another element of freedom, you literally feel like the dog's bollocks driving around, listening to loud music with friends. Was just fantastic. Oh and i must add she is an extremely good driver, even if she did stall once or twice hahah (much better then me!!) Sunday was just as good too, so civilised, it was so SUNNY yes that's right the SUN was out, it was bitterly cold but i love that kinda weather, like Milan, in the January sales - good memories! Had a lovely tea party, the tea was fabulous but the company was even better. 

A few ghosts were put to bed this weekend, some i am so relieved to see go. You know when something eats you up, for days, months, weeks, years and it plays on your mind not all the time but, it is easily triggered by certain things, that sinking feeling, nervous feeling whenever you are reminded of it, that's what i had and now i can safely say it's lifted. I think all everything needs is time, even though we all hate waiting it's so worth it in the end - it also reminded me of karma, what goes around comes around.. i never really fully believed it, until now, i can think of so many occasions some of which i have experienced, even though it may not happen straight away it is almost certain it will happen later on. Which i find very reassuring. Other ghosts I've found so hard deal with, and i don't know whether they have been fully put to bed, but seem to be, sort of, ish, put to bed, for the time being. However, all of this had lead me to be utter and completely confused, i hope that i wake up in the morning and am not confused... Hmmm, fat chance. 


Been listening to Kate Nash all day today, i love her music, so much, her lyrics are so lovely, just like poems. Some hysterical, some poignant... Her album Made Of Bricks is amazing, if you don't have it i recommend it so much! You'll love it, songs every girl can relate to, i promise! 


Two Door Cinema Club on SATURDAY, yehhhhhhh, the countdown has been on going since December i think? So we are all so excited to be off to see them - in Camden, where i love which is definitely and added bonus. 


I hate how I've had such an awesome weekend and now i feel all funny... BLAH, right, off for an early night. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. 


ALSO, give this a listen, amazing! LOVE burberry acoustic!


Have a good one. 


B x


 

We're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go...

I hate missing people. It is one of the most unsatisfying feelings in the WHOLE world, especially when you know that even though you're missing that person it doesn't mean; (a) they miss you back - which is quite possibly the most hurtful and depressing feeling ever. To think that you're the one who is left with all these feelings, whilst they carry on unaffected with their life. Ouch. (b) that you two will be reunited sooner then you first thought - which is an equally hurtful feeling, that even though you both miss one another doesn't mean you can speed up time to reunite yourselves, due to other commitments or whatever it may be. 

I don't think you ever fully get over the emotion of missing someone, you just put it on hold or try to fill your time with various other things to do, to stop you from thinking about that person. But sooner or later you have a relapse and are back to square one again, blah, why can't feelings be like a tap - turn them off and on, everything would be so much easier and there would be less broken hearts! Well, i'd like to think there would be. 


The thought of missing someone who doesn't miss you back really gets to me like REALLY, you're sat there wasting your energy and emotions on someone who really couldn't give less of a sh*t about you, feeling like that in any kind of a relationship is so degrading. Also gives you the mind set of why don't they miss me? What's wrong with me? How is this fair i miss them? - answer, life isn't fair and people rarely care (BAM a rhyme how amazing!)... I wish i didn't miss anyone ever, but then that wouldn't make me appreciate how lucky i am, i suppose. It's a tough one, to miss or not to miss - that the question? *sigh* --- But, don't you always miss someone? Whether it's consciously or subconsciously, no? Well, if you think about it you probably do. If not someone then something? Or the way things were? As we never seem to be content haha. 


On a happier note, SECRET DIARY tonight, yes sir, it's gonna be a waste of an episode though, i can tell. Ben won't be in it, neither will Harry, hmmm, the episodes are getting quite tame - well in comparison to what they were like haha. 


School is back, not going too badly yet touch wood - just the morning wake ups are killing me slowly, so hard to get back into a routine and as the holidays some what turn me nocturnal. It's proving much more difficult then anticipated. Plus the work load is piling up nicely... No rest for the wicked! On a drama trip tomorrow, which i'm not particularly looking forward to as i'm so tired, and we shan't be back till very late. Well, it's basically Wednesday. Half way there. Keep going. Aaaaah. 


Have a good one. 


B x