I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door.

Past - "gone by in time and now no longer in existence" 

That is the definition of it in the apple mac dictionary. And it is wrong. 

Just because it's the past, does not mean that it's no longer in existence. The past will never fully disappear or be erased. It effects our future, consciously and sub-consciously, and yes, sometimes that's a good thing, and yes, sometimes that's a bad thing. It's up to us which one of those it is. Hard I know, but in the end it's up to us whether our circumstances effect our later actions. The reason I'm discussing the past is because, I'm so excited for the future! 

We had a family lunch, discussing the exciting plans of the future (some of which I listed a few posts ago which we spoke about on holiday!) - I can't wait. But talking about the past and things would be different also brought a few tears.


It makes me think. Why do we all constantly torture ourselves about the past? We replay it, think what could of done different, get angry with ourselves for not saying/doing something, FaceBook stalk them and then FaceBook their new girlfriend, relive good memories with people who now no longer give a shit, re-read texts, think about all the good things together, etc. When you miss someone so much you forget all the shit they put you through all the upset and hurt, we just remember the good things, the good memories, a bittersweet thing. 
Sometimes it's a curse, what am I saying, A LOT of the time that's a curse. It makes you create a false image of them. But then, it makes you realize that you'll not let, or will try to not let someone else treat you like they did. Ah the past is a vicious, stupid, foolish, mind-game. Blah to it... And the thing is, you can put this all on hold until, you see them again. I thought that my emotions were under control, but it only takes a moment of being vulnerable or off of your guard before BAM. The shit goes down. Every. Single. Memory. Comes. Flooding. Back. And you know what, it hurts, the same as it did before. 


I don't think talking about it makes it any better really, just something you have to learn to put on hold or in a box somewhere. 


Anyway, on a happier note - Nottinghill Carnival tomorrow! Yippeeeee. Am looking forward to next week actually, lots planned. As I said I hadn't seen as many people as I wanted I have now changed that all. 


Hope you all have a good bank-holiday weekend. 


B x


One's past is what one is. 
It is the only way by which people should be judged.
- Oscar Wilde 

So maybe she won’t. But shit than again maybe she will.

I MISS PORTUGAL. AND BABINGTON HOUSE. AND VFEST.


Location at the moment - ROCK BOTTOM.


After talking to a very close friend this morning it made me feel like, everything will be okay. Everything will sort itself out. Absolutely everyone goes through highs and lows, not just you. Everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be, and if it's not it won't be.


My sister's FIANCEE always tells me "If you're ever in doubt on what to do, simply, do nothing, the answer will shortly show itself." - so true. Even though at the end everything feels like it's failing apart, 9/10 it isn't and it will all be okay. Well, that's what I think?


I know my blog sounds like I'm some, melodramatic, whiney, depressive, little bitch. But I promise I'm not, well only sometimes. Just not feeling very happy at the moment, ah so on a mission to be happy again. Give me time...


Can't believe school is SO soon. I'm ready to go back, start studying hard and see some friends who I miss.


The past is definitely starting to repeat itself. (so Harry Potter!) In a good way, with a few obvious tweeks. Kinda excited, but also raises a lot more risks this time around. Not sure if I want that? But, we'll see.


I miss so many people at the moment, summer is nearly over and I haven't fufilled seeing nearly half of the people I want. So my mission in the next week. Gonna be tough, but I want to do it! (I.S that means YOU!)


Rain, rain, go away...

"Being single doesn't necessarily mean you're available. Sometimes you have to put up a sign that says -  "Do Not Disturb" on your heart." - Wiz Khalifa

Have a good one. 


B x

Why do you, you wanna break my heart, into pieces on the floor?

I'm back, from an amazing few days away. We all went away to Babington House ((http://www.babingtonhouse.co.uk)) for a few days as a part of my sister's SURPRISE engagement! Babington House is her favourite place in the world, so we all decided to plan a little get away for a few nights. It was fantastic, if you've never been I cannot recommend it enough to go, feels like you're staying with a rich friend, not in a hotel. 


So, her boyfriend popped the question and she said YES! Happy days for us all... Kinda scary she said, but so exciting. 


Was exactly what I needed. A break away with the people I love the most in the world, my family. Was so nice that there was also no signal, so no one could contact us. Kinda wish to an extent that everyone wasn't so available all the time. 


Don't you hate it when you argue, disagree, upset, disappoint someone you love. Hurts even more when they do it to you. When someone knows you so well, or claims to know you well and then you have an argument and they say such horrible, degrading, harsh, low things. I know, I know everyone says things they don't mean in an argument. But that doesn't always make it okay, or make you feel any better. I'm not usually one to get upset, or to cry. But when someone you love, and who knows you, who you're vulnerable to says such wounding things - it makes you think and makes you doubt yourself,  makes you feel terrible about yourself, in all honesty made me feel cheap. Something that I'm not. And the thing is, no matter how many times people try to make you feel better and say the right thing, it doesn't necessarily go away, it's always in the back of your mind. Niggling away.


But enough of that... Lots of things to look forward to this week and next, London shopping tomorrow, seeing everyone at work, Nottinghill Carnival, potentially Yorkshire with my friends, few friends' 18ths, Drake's new album, the list goes on... 


VFEST - was incredible as usual. An amazing weekend, with banging company, and fantastic acts. Well most of them, I must say I was gutted Eminem and Rihanna mimed a lot of their songs. Nevertheless, the atmosphere was incredible and of course, we made lots of FESTIVAL FRIENDS! Can't wait for next year. Yiippeeeeeee. I've added one of my favourite acts of the weekend and the best song to my hypster - Pieces, Chase&Status ft. Plan B... Lyrics are so good. So good. 


Hope everyone who's going to Reading has a sweet time and it doesn't rain too much. Although it's almost more fun when it rains at a festival. 


Right, off for some peanut butter on toast, with a cuppa. 


Have a good one. 


B x

Am I changing right before your eyes?  Becoming someone you don't recognize? - J.Cole

... And your mind is my new best friend.

Well, D-day approached us all too soon yet too late. I hate the fact that I sat those exams over  three months ago and the fact that they kinda, sort of, not really, ruined the end of my summer. So, what did I get? Well, I wasn't overly enthralled with my final grades. I expected a lot more from myself, I did, hand on heart, work for them. But then again, that doesn't always mean good grades or justice at the end. Hmmm. But there is nothing I can do now, re-taking will be coming my way and maybe, hopefully, this is a wake up call. No pissing about next year, to get to where I want, I need to seriously work... Right? Why oh why, couldn't my parents have been geniuses and graced me with high intellect? ARGH. 


Then again, exams aren't the end of the world. I know right now it feel like it, but honestly, in the long run, so many other qualities and attributes mean so much more then a certificate saying you got an A grade in Maths... Hmmm, or am I just saying this to make myself feel better about my disappointment, or do I mean it?... 


Well, VFEST is now here. The longly awaited highlight of my summer is here. I cannot wait. My dip dyed hair, humongeous suitcase, wellington boots, bottles of water, raincoat, chillbee, umbrella, etc. Is all at the ready! WOOP. Nothing is going to ruin this weekend... 


I'm done with people. So done. People are so self-centered sometimes, and don't realise how lucky they are to have friends/family that actually give a sh*t. Makes me so angry, so next year - my focus will be my studies not to make other people happy, or put myself out as much. It's so sad it's come to this, come to me feeling this way towards others. But, now and then you need to be selfish. And to wake up and smell the coffee. In a way I don't want this feeling I have to change, the "I don't care" attitude. That's it then. I'm so done. 


Anyway, wish for minimal rain this weekend please! Hope you all have a good one. Hope results went well. 


Have a good one.


B x 

Well I'm stuck in rewind, though I'm looking forward, Damn. I wish I knew what went wrong?!

I know I always sound like I'm ill, but this time. I am genuinely ill. After just about getting over my chest infection and BAM I have the sorest throat in the world. I should probably stop smoking, as this obviously would make me feel better. But ah, if smoking is the only bad thing I do, then I think I'm doing well. Right? 


After reactivating my twitter account, I am now becoming obsessed... Love it! Feel like it's my mini blog which I update throughout the day. Not to mention having the app on my iPhone I update it all the time and check it 24/7... 


Blah to everything and everyone at the moment. I've really made a conscious effort to try and put things right recently, but I'm feeling like they're all just being thrown back in my face. I really try to be a positive person, but there is only so much positivity one person can have. Especially when I feel like so many people are trying to drag me down and damper my mood. Makes you realise that people always want you to be as unhappy, if not more unhappy then themselves. Just to make them feel better. Pissing me off so much. Somewhere, someone would KILL for your life!! I know everyone has been, is on, a different journey. And I've always been taught to not be judgemental in the slightest. But sometimes it's like AH get a grip stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise others have it so much worse then you, or I. Yes I know everyone has a tendency and a relapse to feel sorry for themselves, but seriously. Don't dwell it makes your own life so much worse...


Everything has just been an anti-climax since I've been back from my amazing holiday. Depressing me even more. *big sigh* - I know I'm now feeling sorry for myself... 


I'm so bummed that summer is basically over, so much I wanted to accomplish before school. And I've done minimal... I'm gonna try and add a few ticks to my list. I'll blog it when summer is over. 


Gave my blog a girlie makeover, hope you like it! Hehe. 


VFEST in 3days... Am so excited I could pee my pants. Going to be an spectacular end to summer '11. Eeeep. 


I've re-found my love for Jagged Edge, so weird. I've added some of their music to my hypster. So enjoy if you like them, or click next haha. 


Hope you have a good one. 


B x


(I'm not mentioning the disaster of a day which will be RESULTS! That grace us all on Thursday - GOOD LUCK everyone!)

Above we all become what we once hated.

Back from holiday. Definitely feeling the holiday blues at the moment... I haven't tanned as much as I anticipated. Which isn't helping my holiday blues, but I've got lots of things to look forward to. 


I'm off to a wedding on Saturday, which is kind of a bittersweet thing. As nearly everyone knows I don't really believe in marriage, I think it's over-rated big time. I know the majority of people disagree but everyone to their own I suppose. However, I do love going to weddings, seeing people looking amazing in their dresses and just how happy everyone is. 


Then off to a BBQ full of wonderful friends, with my date, Mr S. Looking forward to seeing everyone - it's strange when you go on holiday it gives you time to reflect and think about things. Relationships, friendships, past events, the future. 


The future was spoken about a lot this summer, universities, extending the family (my older sister speaking about being pregnant this time next year. Meaning i'll be an AUNTY!), moving house, birthdays... The list goes on. Most of the exciting and of which I'm looking forward to. However, a lot of it bittersweet leaving stuff behind. 


VFEST in just over ONE WEEK, I'm so psyched. With my best friends and all the most amazing bands, not to mention the awesome festival attire. Eeeeeep. Need to actually buy my tent though... Hmmm. 


Like I said, Amy Winehouse's - Frank/Back To Black and Drake's - Thank Me Later have been the soundtrack to my summer this year. But I've also fallen in love with SBTRKT I've added them to my hypster have a listen. They're on my soundtrack at work, love. 


Well, I hope none of you are caught up in the London, Birmingham etc. riots! Appalling. It's rectifying to see communities coming together to clear up the mess and chaos caused by the rioters. I leave the country for 10days and it goes into melt down! 


I'll keep you updated on the week's events. 


Have a good one. 


B x